Her: The Name That Shall Not Be Said
by crimeshowfanatic15
Summary: introspection of the scene between Gibbs and Tony in 11x05
1. Chapter 1

This is just a little snippet in the scene between Tony and Gibbs in episode 11x05.

I'm a hardcore TIVA shipper. And I hope hope hope that one day Ziva (Cote) will come back.

So I was trying to make sense of what Tony and Gibbs were feeling in this scene. I'm not really sure how I feel about how it turned out. I can't quite put my finger on what I missing, but I think it is missing something…let me know what yall think!

The cold water rushes over my face. I feel shivers rush down my spine. My mind is reeling with a million thoughts. Should I have shot Anton? Why did I let him get away? Did I "let" him get away? Why am I always wrong about people? Ziva would have known what to do. She would have been able to get him without shooting him. Gosh, everything reminds me of her. Why can't she come home? Why wouldn't she come home with me?

I can't catch my breath. I don't know what to do. I need her. I miss her. I think I'm losing it.

I hear the door to the bathroom open. My heart feels even heavier when I see Gibbs has followed me in because this used to be "our" place for difficult conversations. We used to have heart to hearts in the bathroom. And as much as I am thankful for the boss showing that he cares by coming to check on me, I can't help but to feel dull ache spread through my chest again.

"You think I feel guilty about Anton and let him get away because of it, huh?" I fill the silence even though I know he knows what I am really struggling with here.

"I don't know. Did you?"

"He made a run for it. I drew on him, but I couldn't pull the trigger." I pause waiting for his counter remark, but it doesn't come. So, I continue with,

"You would have had him on the ground in 2 seconds flat. Taking out a leg. Or shot him in the ass." Because he would have. Boss always does the right thing. And always gets his man.

"Yeah, but you followed your gut." I want to laugh sardonically at him. Yeah because that has been working so well lately! Gosh, I really am losing it, aren't I? I think, as I wipe the droplets of water from my face.

"That hasn't really been working out, so well, for me, lately." I say as I try to control my breathing. "Uhhh. I don't know. Maybe it's day four without sleep. But, I can't rely on my instincts any longer." My instincts were wrong about her. The one thing in the world that had felt so right…it was wrong. It was not meant to be.

"I was wrong to trust Anton. Maybe I was wrong about a lot of people."

"Are we still talking about the case." Boss, you know I'm not talking about the case. 

I finally muster the strength to look over in Gibbs direction. He is studying me intently. It feels like he is reading my thoughts. He probably is. I mean, he is the all-knowing Gibbs.

"It's so interesting. No one will say her name. Have you noticed? It's like she's dead." And maybe that is what is really bothering me. I miss her so much that all I want to do is talk about her, but it feels like I can't because no one will even say her name!

Wipes face again.

"Every time I look at her desk. Every time I close my eyes." All I see are flashes of her. Our foreheads resting against each other in the orchard, her hair blowing lightly from the wind, her eyes telling me everything she couldn't put into words. The sly, beautiful smile she saved for me when glancing at each other from our desks. Being stuck in the elevator with her after Dearing bombed the navy yard. The way her lips felt against mine that last kiss at the airport. How beautiful she looked even with tears running down her face. Her last words to me haunt me every day, "Tony, you are so …loved."

I shake my head trying to rid the lovely but painful memories.

"I just feel like I made a mistake. Like I made the wrong decision. Only it wasn't me who decided." She didn't want me. She wanted to move on from me. If I was wrong about her, then I don't know what makes sense anymore. "So yeah, I'm probably wrong to think Anton is innocent in all this." I look him in the eye, trying to figure out what he thinks about all I have just told him.

"I'll trust you anytime."

Leave it to Gibbs to give wonderfully cryptic messages. But it is nice to hear that he gets it. He understood why I had to find her. He understands how I am feeling. He understands that I feel lost without her. He understands why she needed to move on. He gets it. Because he has known the same hurt. And he is saying that no matter what, he's got my back.

I nod at Gibbs giving him a silent "thank you." As I walk past him, I barely hear him whisper. "Ziva will come back to you, Tony." I freeze where I am, my hand on the doorknob, the wind knocked from my lungs. Her name. And that's when I realize, I never even said her name. I don't even register Gibbs still being in the bathroom until I feel his hand patting me on the shoulder. "Until then, get some sleep. You look like hell, Dinozzo." And with that, he is gone.

I walk out of the bathroom with renewed vigor, a lightness I haven't felt in weeks, and Ziva's name on my lips…


	2. Chapter 2

Hi, thank you for reading! I love getting feedback and suggestions and construction criticism and anything else you have to offer. Enjoy!

Anton's words keep playing over and over through my head. "Just because you want it, doesn't mean it is going to happen." Ain't that the truth, Anton.

Just because I want Ziva back doesn't mean it's going to happen. But like I told Anton, it sure as heck doesn't stop me from trying. Hell, I literally went to the other side of the world to find her…twice.

I would do anything to drag her back here. I don't even care if she works at NCIS. I just want her in my life.

***FLASHBACK "Well, Agent David, do you really consider me to be in your life?" I say teasingly but deep down, we both know the true implications of those words. She looked at me a little taken aback and a little surprised that I actually said the words. And all I can think about is how I want to kiss her because I know she feels the same way. It is written all over her face. But now is not our moment. She needs to figure things out with CI Ray. ***

I understand that she had to leave and I fully support her decision because I know it is in her best interest. But, it doesn't make it hurt any less. In fact, it is probably worse this way because I know she is trying to find happiness and recover from all of the horrific things she has had to deal with all her life. I can't live behind the façade of being mad at her or hating her. I know she is doing the right thing. I know she is safe. And I know this well help her. But it just hurts, a deep-radiating-never-yielding-sometimes sharp-sometimes dull-aching kind of pain.

In the midst of all this pain, she still manages to give me hope.

The picture she kept of me on her computer screen gives me the hope that she cared for me more than she let on to people.

The fact that she invited me to Tel Aviv in the first place shows that she missed me just as much as I missed her.

The way she held me in the orchard told me that letting me go was as unbearable to her as me letting her go.

The way she said she loved me….

And her necklace. That, that is what gives me the most hope of all. I have faith that she will come back for it one day. She will come back whole and ready for whatever the next phase of life throws at her.

She will come back and be ready for us.

She will come back to fight for me. To fight for us.


	3. Chapter 3

**I would love to hear your thoughts **** Hope you like it! Let me know if yall think I should keep going. Or if there are specific scenarios you would like to see. Thanks for the likes and reviews and support! **

I walk through my door and throw down my pack. I head straight to the fridge to grab a beer, then head to the couch. My apartment is quite and some days I come home half expecting her to have broken in and surprise me.

But tonight, I feel lighter and better than I have in a while because while a support group doesn't sound like it would be fun, it actually does accomplish its goal in supporting. It makes me feel a sense of control and inclusion and togetherness.

As I bring the beer to my lips for my first swig, I think about the last couple of days we have had in wrapping up the case.

McWorry-Wart thinks I'm losing it. I can tell in the way his face scrunches up every time he finds out about another thing I have been working on lately. The first was when he found my stash of letters to the women that I felt needed apologies. I'm not sure if he caught sight of her necklace, in the drawer of the 12 step program for recovering misogynists. Who am I kidding? He had to have seen it, even if he didn't say anything.

He thinks I am going off the deep end because Tony Dinozzo would never do such meaningful things like: write a woman an apology, keep the cherished necklace of a woman close to him at all times, or willingly go to a support group.

Ok, I guess I can understand his skepticism because that really doesn't sound like me. And I was going a little…Coo-Coo's nest a couple of weeks ago.

But like I told McAnxious, I have changed. I have been through a lot in the past year and if I keep continuing down the road I usually go down, where does that leave me in the end? Extremely lonely and mostly bitter about love…just like my dad.

I played along at first, letting McGee think that a woman had dropped me off, just to give him a semblance of normal.

But like Abby, he didn't buy that I was dating someone so soon. Even though we have never talked about it, they know how much she meant to me. Or…at least…I think they do.

Maybe I should put that on my list. Yeah, I think that I will add talk about her with Abby and McGee. Plus, I know they have to be struggling with her absence too. It will be good for them to deal with some of their feelings about her not so sudden, but no closure departure.

As I relax on my couch, and start to feel the powers of sleep wanting to take me, I think about the moment I shared with her in the olive grove.

"_Feel better?" Thinking that this was a great step forward. And there is no way in hell that I will let her do this alone. _

"_No, but it is a start." _

"_You don't have to do this alone." I'm here for you, Ziva. I want to be with you. Really be with you. "Come back to DC with me."_

"_The first thing on my new list was, I will let go of the badge." She says, looking slightly annoyed that I keep asking. But what she doesn't understand is that I don't care what she does. I just can't live without her. _

"_I'm not talking about NCIS. Listen, you can bag groceries for all I care." We never talk like this. And I can tell she is uncomfortable with the intimate talk because she is squirmy and has those shifty eyes refusing to make contact. _

"_Just come home with me. I just want you to come home…with me." I say. My voice getting a little stuck on the "with me." _

_I know she is scared, but we can't run away from this anymore. I have to make her see that I am serious. That what I said in Somalia years ago is true. I cant live without her. _

"_I don't think that is a good idea," she says as she tries to escape the heavy conversation. _

_This is it. This is our moment. Now or never, Dinozzo. _

"_Listen, I know its…I know its hard." I start, as my emotions get the best of me. "And I know you want to change. But, I can change with you." I try to convey how much I want to be with her but the words just don't seem to be enough. I place a soft kiss on her hand, never taking my eyes off her beautiful, soulful eyes. I can tell she is terrified of taking the next step, but I know she understands what I am trying to tell her. _

_She doesn't say anything to my declaration, just drinks in the emotions that are sure to be evident in my features. _

_We inch closer together in the slowest of gravitational pulls. My hands find her waist as her hands frame my face. _

_I wish I could bottle this moment in a box and hold it captive forever. _

_Our breathes mingle as our foreheads fall together. _

_I pull her closer, trying to have something tangible to hold on to because I feel like I am falling. But the truth is, I have already fallen. I don't know when it happened, but I am so far past gone now. There is no way that I can leave her here. I have to give it everything I have in me to convince her to give us a chance. _

"_I'm fighting for you, Ziva." I whisper, squeezing my eyes shut, willing her to understand. _

"_I know." She whispers back. _

_But do you?—I think. _

_We are quiet for a minute, content to soak each other's presence in. One of her hands draws circles on the back of my neck while the other travels to feel my heart beneath my chest. Both of my hands are holding her close by her hips, and one breaks under her shirt to trace patterns on her skin. _

_The next time she speaks, her voice breaks. "Tony, you know I want this as much as you. But…But I just can't go back with you…right now." I shut my eyes tightly refusing to believe the words that have just come out of her mouth. But she frames my face to make me look her in the eyes. _

"_I need to heal and learn how to live without feeling all of the weight of death around me." She says, as her eyes bore into mine trying to make me see that this is what is best for us. _

_But I don't see what she sees. I just want her. I don't know how to be without her. And I'm starting to lose my control. I'm already starting to come undone as I realize there is no way I am going to convince her to come home with me. _

_I look down trying to will the tears away. But they fall, mercilessly. Just like me. _

_As she sees me come unglued, she tightens her embrace, trying to hold me together. "Please, Ziva. Please don't make me leave you." The voice that leaves my body doesn't even sound like me. It is so broken, so lost. Her face contorts in pain and her resolve almost crumbles. Unshed tears well up in her eyes. _

_Our foreheads meet again._

_And then she looks me dead in the eyes, "I am doing this for you, Tony. I want to be whole for you." _

_More tears fall from my eyes. I hate this, but I understand. I can't fix her. All I can do is love her. But love cant fix everything. She needs to love herself again, before she can let me in completely. And that, that I do get. _

_She wipes the tear streaks from my face and places a soft kiss on each cheek. She pulls back a little to look for acceptance in my eyes. Then slowly and tenderly she brings our lips together. _

_She sighs into the kiss, which about does me in. I deepen the kiss allowing her entry. My hand rakes up her side under her shirt and she moans at the touch. It doesn't hasten our movements, just makes them deeper and heavier. _

_My hand roaming up back goes all the way up to the base of her neck to get lost in her hair. She breaks the kiss to tilt her head back sighing from pleasure. My lips move from her mouth to her neck and to her collarbone. _

_I place slow, open mouthed kisses to the sensitive spot that I find that makes her fingers curl into my head holding me in place. As her hair tickles my face, I take in her unique scent. _

_I slow down my kisses as I realize that I wont ever smell "her" again. A lone tear leaks out the corner of my eye and falls onto her neck. I kiss it away with a small peck, but I know she has already felt it. _

"_I'm sorry, Ziva." I'm sorry that I never fought for you before now. Im sorry I couldn't fix you. I'm sorry we cant be together._

"_No, Tony. I am sorry." She says her voice clogged with emotion. I know this is hurting her as much as it is me. _

_I crush her in a warm embrace, hoping and praying that this is not the end of us. _

_**PLEASE REVIEW **_


End file.
